BY THE OPTIMIST DAILY EDITORIAL TEAM

Guilt is a strong feeling. It can help us make amends when we have offended someone, but it can also be used to manipulate. If you’ve ever been compelled to do something out of guilt, even if it didn’t feel right, you’ve likely been a victim of guilt-tripping. This emotional strategy is more widespread than you might think, and it can have major ramifications for your mental health and relationships. 

What is guilt-tripping?

Guilt-tripping is an emotional manipulation method in which someone creates feelings of guilt in another person in order to control or affect their conduct. Dr. Monica Vermani, C.Psych, a clinical psychologist specializing in trauma and relationships, defines guilt-tripping as “intentionally or unintentionally causing feelings of guilt in another person to manipulate or control them.” The goal is to exercise influence, frequently making the victim feel accountable for things they should not be.

In many circumstances, the person experiencing a guilt trip is not to blame. A trauma-informed relationship therapist, Amelia Kelley, Ph.D., LCMHC, notes, “The natural emotion of guilt is employed as a manipulative tactic to create a sense of responsibility for something they may or may not have done.” This tactic is especially common among narcissists and emotional abusers, who use guilt to gaslight their victims into accepting blame.

Signs you are being guilt-tripped

Guilt-tripping can emerge in both obvious and subtle ways, making it difficult to detect. Dr. Nancy Irwin, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, says, “Typically when others guilt-trip you, they are attempting to have the upper hand in some way, get something out of you, or keep you on your toes.”

Some classic indicators of guilt-tripping include:

• Passive-aggressive comments about not doing your “fair share.”
• Reminders of favors they’ve done for you in the past, hinting that you owe them.
• Using the silent treatment to affect your emotions.
• Disapproving gestures or tones indicating dissatisfaction.
• Repeatedly mentioning past mistakes you’ve made to make you feel awful.

These practices frequently use black-and-white language, with the guilt-tripper assigning whole blame or responsibility to you. Common expressions include “you always/never…” and “If you really loved me, you would…”.

The effects of guilt-tripping on mental health

Guilt-tripping can have a significant detrimental influence on your mental health and relationships. According to a 2010 study published in Clinical Psychology Review, prolonged guilt is associated with increased symptoms of depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). 

Dr. Kelley explains, “It has a direct impact on self-concept and self-esteem. If someone always feels they are to blame or in the wrong, it can make it difficult to speak to oneself with compassion and continue to believe that you are worthy of the love and respect each and every one of us deserves.” This dynamic can cause an unhealthy imbalance in relationships, resulting in resentment, hostility, and a lack of trust.

Furthermore, Dr. Vermani cautions that guilt-tripping can enhance feelings of powerlessness and contribute to the development of mental disorders. Over time, continual manipulation can damage your self-esteem, leaving you caught in a cycle of guilt and self-doubt.

How to stop guilt-tripping yourself

Sometimes we are our worst critics. People with low self-esteem or a history of toxic relationships may internalize guilt, even for situations they cannot influence. “As human beings, we all want to be heard, seen, and valued,” comments Dr. Vermani. When someone has poor self-esteem, they may be quick to presume guilt, which reinforces their negative self-perception.

To overcome self-imposed guilt, Dr. Kelley recommends practicing self-compassion and adopting a development attitude. “Mistakes happen to all of us, and they are there to learn from,” she says. It is critical to ask yourself whether the guilt you are experiencing is appropriate or excessive. Dr. Irwin advises, “Appropriate guilt is when you do/say something out of line with your ethics and integrity. Excessive guilt is usually manufactured by someone else in order to manipulate you.”

Building healthy relationships and communicating well might also help you keep a balanced perspective. Surround yourself with people who support you, and don’t be hesitant to set boundaries with those who do not.

Responding to someone who guilt-trips you

Recognizing that someone is guilt-tripping you is the first step toward defending yourself from future manipulation. “Realize that guilt trips are a form of verbal and/or nonverbal hurtful and manipulative communication,” says Dr. Vermani.

Once you’ve discovered the habit, it’s critical to set boundaries. Dr. Irwin recommends expressing concisely and confidently, emphasizing that you will not accept blame for situations that are not your own. “This issue is not your fault, and you will not be held responsible for it,” she states.

If the guilt-tripping continues, you should assess if the relationship is right for you. Dr. Kelley suggests: “If someone makes you feel you are at fault all the time, this is not a healthy dynamic, and the sooner you set a solid boundary, the less long-term damage the person can have on you and your self-esteem.”

When to seek professional help

Guilt-tripping may be extremely harmful, and if you are unable to cope, it may be time to seek professional assistance. Dr. Irwin recommends getting help “as soon as one or both parties are in enough pain.” Extreme distress, a detrimental impact on daily functioning, and feelings of poor self-worth or hopelessness are all indications that you could benefit from treatment.

Dr. Kelley promotes a proactive approach, proposing therapy before the matter becomes severe. “We all deserve an amazing support system and therapist in our corner,” she asserts. A therapist can guide you through the complexities of guilt-tripping, boost your self-esteem, and strengthen your capacity to set healthy boundaries.