BY THE OPTIMIST DAILY EDITORIAL TEAM

Confrontation is often something people dread. It can cause anxiety and discomfort, but that does not always have to be the case. Addressing disputes head-on is essential for personal development and relationship building. Experts agree that confrontation, when done with care and respect, can be an effective technique for resolving conflicts and creating healthier relationships.

“Confronting someone with assertiveness is quite different than doing so with aggression,” explains Lynn Zakeri, LCSW, a therapist in Chicago. While the term confrontation may sound intimidating, it is really just about expressing your emotions and seeking understanding. When handled correctly, confrontation can result in a good discourse that benefits both sides.

The value of healthy confrontation

Ignoring problems does not make them go away; instead, unresolved difficulties tend to grow and strain relationships. Angela Williams, LCSW, a mindset coach, demonstrates how healthy confrontation may lead to beneficial change. “In the helping field, we sometimes label confrontation as a ‘carefrontation,’ where you address something from a place of care to create change,” she says.

In many circumstances, confrontation can improve a relationship. “Speaking your truth tactfully can increase respect,” Williams explains. Avoiding conflict may seem easier in the short term, but when approached in a healthy manner, the long-term rewards are obvious. Erin Gleason Alvarez, JD, a mediator, emphasizes that “a conflict left unchecked festers,” and that it is generally preferable to handle issues as they arise to avoid larger problems later on.

Common fears about conflict

While acknowledging the significance of confrontation is critical, it does not make it any less stressful. For many people, the thought of confronting someone produces a dread of rejection or fear of conflict escalation. “People might be concerned that others will judge them for ‘stirring the pot,’ or that confrontation might ruin the relationship,” stated Alvarez.

It’s also normal to worry about being labeled as “difficult.” However, Zakeri underlines that tackling a problem properly does not make you tough, but rather brave. “When done kindly and respectfully, confrontation can make you a courageous person, not a difficult one,” she claims.

Furthermore, Alvarez observes that when oppressed groups, such as women and people of color, speak up, they are frequently wrongly characterized as difficult. Despite these hurdles, tackling issues is critical, and approaching them constructively can make all the difference.

Expert strategies for effective confrontation

So, how can you confront someone without making things worse? Here are some expert-backed tactics to help you approach conflict confidently:

1. Begin with a question

Opening with a question rather than an accusation can help to establish a positive tone. “Confrontation can be presented with, ‘Hey, do you have a minute to talk?’ instead of ‘I’m upset with something you did,’” Zakeri explains. Asking a question encourages discourse rather than putting the other person on the defensive.

2. Select the right time and place

When it comes to confrontation, timing is key. Zakeri advocates choosing a peaceful opportunity to discuss so that both sides feel at ease. “Creating a safe space will make the conversation more productive and less aggressive,” she said.

3. Create a plan

Preparation is crucial. Before engaging in a conflict, Alvarez suggests asking yourself a few questions: Why do you need to have this conversation? What do you want to achieve? Thinking about your goals will help you navigate the conversation and reach a conclusion.

4. Practice beforehand

If confrontation causes you anxiety, prepare ahead of time. “Role-play what you plan to say to see how it feels,” advises Alvarez. Practicing with a trusted friend or even by yourself can help you feel more confident when it comes time to have the talk.

5. Use “I” statements

Williams suggests utilizing “I” phrases to describe emotions without assigning blame. For instance, you could say, “I feel upset when ____ because ____.” This framework directs the focus to your personal experience while avoiding making the other person feel attacked.

6. Maintain a growth mindset

Zakeri advocates for a “growth mindset” when confronted. Focusing on how the talk can strengthen your relationship shifts the attention away from conflict and toward growth. “The relationship can become stronger as a result,” she adds.

Navigating challenges during a confrontation

Even with the best intentions, not every confrontation will go well. “Sometimes individuals don’t respond well to confrontation,” Williams explains, especially if they struggle with emotional regulation or have little investment in resolving the issue. In these situations, it’s critical to remain neutral.

If the argument grows too hot, Williams advocates using the “grey rock method”—remaining as emotionally neutral as possible—to de-escalate it. “The grey rock method involves giving off very little emotion, almost as if you are a rock itself,” she says. This can assist to avoid more disagreement and give both sides time to calm down.

Next steps

After the conversation ends, it’s essential to follow up. Check-in with the other person to make sure they get your message and are on the same page. Williams also suggests reflecting on how the encounter went—whether there is anything to change or if a follow-up conversation is required to resolve any tensions.

If things did not go as planned or you are unclear on how to proceed, consider speaking with a therapist or a trusted friend.