BY THE OPTIMIST DAILY EDITORIAL TEAM

It happens to the best of us: you’re out in the world, going about your business, and a stranger’s rudeness rattles you. Whether it’s a stinging remark about your outfit, an aggressive driver cutting you off, or someone coming at you dramatically for a minor mishap, these interactions can hurt us more than we’d expect. But why do they affect us so deeply, and more importantly, how can we overcome them and protect our peace?

Understanding the sting of rude interactions

The increase in stress and anxiety in today’s world may be contributing to the rise of such unpleasant interactions. “The propensity for people to be rude to someone they don’t know has probably increased because people are distressed,” says Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychiatrist and clinical associate professor at Weill Cornell Medical College and New York Presbyterian Hospital. When people are on edge, their ability to manage social situations with grace suffers, resulting in more explosive reactions to little incidences.

So, why do these exchanges hurt so much? Even when we know we’ll never see that person again, the unexpected animosity can shake us up. It’s because these circumstances often catch us off guard, and our natural reaction is a combination of confusion, anger, and even sadness. Understanding this, however, is just the first step toward dealing with these situations effectively.

Steps for regaining control

Create distance

When someone’s rudeness surprises you, the first and most important thing to do is establish some distance. If feasible, physically remove yourself from the situation. According to Dr. Saltz: “This person’s a stranger, and you could escalate the situation in some way that will be worse for you.” Trying to reason with someone who is already upset is rarely beneficial and may put you in danger. 

But what if you can’t walk away, say, because you’re stopped in traffic or sharing an elevator? Dr. Saltz recommends “emotionally leaving the room” by turning away, avoiding eye contact, and showing no expression on your face. This can help you de-escalate and remain cool.

Acknowledge the fight-or-flight reflex

Once you’ve gotten out of potential danger, the next stage is to relax your mind and body. When confronted with an aggressive stranger, your fight-or-flight reflex takes over, increasing your heart rate and clouding your judgment. This heightened state might lead to unwise actions, such as entering traffic without first checking or saying something you’ll later regret. “We have at least the ability to inhibit our own behaviors when we are in fight-flight mode,” Dr. Saltz says.

To restore control, begin by recognizing the bodily symptoms of stress—perhaps your face is flushed or your heart is beating. Take a few deep breaths, inhaling gently and breathing out through your mouth to reduce your heart rate. You might also try muscular relaxation techniques, which involve tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups, or repeat a relaxing mantra to yourself, such as “It’s time to be calm now.”

Later on, physical activity can be beneficial. “You need a physical release to complete a stress cycle,” explains Dr. Jody Thomas, a clinical psychologist and non-profit Meg Foundation‘s CEO. Moving your body, whether through a stroll, a jog, or a few stretches, helps burn off residual stress and keeps you from focusing on the encounter.

Validate your feelings, then let them go

It’s totally normal to have a range of emotions following such an encounter. You may even begin to question your own reaction, wondering why it bothered you so much or feeling ridiculous about how you responded. Dr. Thomas emphasizes the significance of not invalidating one’s sentiments. “If you said to yourself, ‘You know what? I’m being silly. I was acting ridiculous,’ you have invalidated your own emotional experience,” she says. It is critical to acknowledge that your reaction was a normal reaction to an unexpected and unpleasant circumstance.

If you’re having trouble moving on from the incident, talking it over with a friend or family member can be really helpful. “Your friend can be like, ‘Oh my gosh. That’s crazy. Did you yell at her?’” says Dr. Thomas. This affirmation from a trusted source will help you absorb the experience and move on more efficiently.

It’s not you, it’s them

Finally, don’t take the encounter personally. Interactions with people you don’t know are inherently superficial; they have no idea who you are, and their rudeness is most likely due to their own bad day rather than anything you did. “Anything they’ve said is much more about them than you,” Dr. Saltz explains. This viewpoint can make it simpler to let go and not let the interaction haunt you.

However, if you are still ruminating weeks later, it may indicate that something deeper is going on. “Ruminating is a symptom of something larger, like being angry, depressed, or anxious,” explains Dr. Saltz. In such instances, speaking with a therapist may help you understand why these interactions are impacting you so deeply and how to cope with them more effectively.

Rude encounters with strangers are a regrettable fact of life, particularly in today’s high-stress environment. However, by recognizing why they affect us, trying to calm ourselves, and acknowledging our feelings, we can handle these circumstances more gracefully and avoid spoiling our day.

We are sharing our Staff Picks for the finale of our Best of 2024 Series! These are some of the stories that our team enjoyed sharing and discussing the most with you in 2024. We look forward to sharing more solutions with everyone in 2025.