BY THE OPTIMIST DAILY EDITORIAL TEAM
Talking about consent with kids might be daunting, or at the very least, super awkward. But, it doesn’t have to be. The key is to start early and encourage regular communication about the topic. We know that when it comes to these kinds of topics, it’s much easier said than done. With this simple step-by-step guide for discussing consent, you’ll be given the tools to keep the consent conversation going with your children as they grow from toddlers to teenagers.
The expert behind the guide
Dr. Nan Wise is a registered sex therapist, relationship specialist, neuroscience researcher, and the author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purposeful Life. Dr. Wise’s research has received international attention for addressing gaps in the literature on the neurological basis of human sexuality.
The basics: what is consent?
According to Dr. Wise, consent is when a person “makes a conscious and unambiguous decision regarding what they are willing to participate in, whether it’s related to mutually agreed-upon sex or anything else having to do with their bodies.” She underlines that consent must be given voluntarily, without compulsion, and that consent may be rescinded at any time. “Consent can be withdrawn at any point, and the activity needs to stop immediately,” she asserts.
Consent can be expressed vocally with a clear declaration or nonverbally with a head nod or thumbs up. However, Dr. Wise points out that “if the consent is communicated nonverbally, it’s important that both parties are clear on what’s being communicated, as people may read body language differently.”
What does not count as consent?
Dr. Wise identifies various instances that do not constitute consent.
- Obtaining approval for one type of activity does not constitute consent for all activities.
- Physical resistance without a verbal ‘no’ is not considered consent.
- Flirting or wearing exposing clothing doesn’t count as consent.
- Simply enjoying an activity does not constitute consent.
- Consent is revocable, which means that a person can change their mind even after an activity has begun.
How to talk about consent with kids
“The most important thing is that this conversation should happen numerous times as a child grows and develops and should be updated and expanded in age-appropriate ways,” explains Dr. Wise. This means that the conversation is not a one-and-done type of thing.
For young children
Begin by teaching young children about physical autonomy and the proper terminology for the parts of the body. Dr. Wise suggests teaching friends and family about respecting children’s limits. If someone attempts to violate children’s bodily autonomy, they should understand that it is not their fault and should report it to a trusted adult. These conversations should start early. “Begin by teaching the correct vocabulary for body parts and focusing on communicating the concepts of bodily autonomy and independence,” Dr. Wise says.
For elementary and middle school students
As your kids develop, continue the conversation with reminders about limits in a variety of scenarios. Dr. Wise proposed emphasizing that hugs between friends and family members are acceptable but not required, whereas embraces from strangers are unacceptable. She also suggests that rough-and-tumble play is OK if both people agree and enjoy it.
For teenagers
When children enter the teen years, the talk should become more in-depth. Dr. Wise emphasizes the significance of educating teenagers in a way that combats sexism and misogyny. “Stamp out harmful narratives, like that men should always want sex and will always push boundaries or that women are gatekeepers rather than equal sexual beings with their own wants and desires,” she says. This clarifies the consent process and encourages positive, respectful interactions.
How should you ask for consent?
Regardless of age, seeking consent should be simple and straightforward. Dr. Wise recommends statements like “Can I _____?” and “Do you want me to _____?” Listening closely to the response is critical. She recommends that teens learn to pay attention to their partner’s comfort level and check in on a frequent basis. “If someone says yes but doesn’t seem comfortable, check in again,” she advises.
Why is it important to discuss consent?
“Communicating about sex helps people have good boundaries and good connections,” explains Dr. Wise. Starting these conversations early allows children to feel comfortable discussing these concerns and make educated judgments about their boundaries. According to Dr. Wise, trouble discussing sex is a frequent issue, making it critical to normalize these conversations. “This ongoing communication connection with us as parents and eventually for them with their partners is the foundation of relational and sexual well-being.”
Teaching children about consent is an ongoing process that changes as they mature. Starting early and discussing it will help your children learn and respect their own boundaries as well as those of others.
